Crunch Time

A sickening crunch came from behind me. I turned around and saw a BMW had just sideswiped another sedan. One of the car’s alarms went off.

I stared a while at the wreckage, as if staring long enough would recreate the accident and I could understand what happened. I could feel my heart beating faster and the stress-induced hormone cortisone racing through my veins. This accident had nothing to do with me, and I didn’t know the people involved. Yet I felt a deep nausea that somehow wasn’t in my stomach. An uneasiness washed over me.

After a moment or two, I was able to put my finger on what it was that bothered me — it was the feeling of something being wrong, of how quickly our everyday world can change. These people were just on their daily commute, no doubt making the same maneuvers they did each day. And in an instant, their days changed.

I was especially unnerved by the sound of the impact. It was unnatural, foreign among the normal sounds of the early morning, an eerie reminder of how quickly things can change.

A Beautiful Exchange

For today’s prompt, write a poem that includes the following five words: change, wrap, bottle, bargain, bear.  — Writer’s Digest

Wrap my mind around it

Nothing has changed

I tried to bargain —

I’ll be different, I’ll try harder, just let it work out —

To no avail

The disappointment, bottled up in the name of forced optimism,

Is too much to bear

Let it out

Unfulfilled dreams — easier to let them die

But to lose the progress?

Worse somehow

So I wrap my mind around it

Make some changes

Grab hope for a bargain in exchange for rotten thoughts

Bottle up the doubts, toss them away

No longer mine to bear

Pledge to Plunge

Yesterday, after I got home from church, I watched a T.D. Jakes sermon a friend had recommended (“Spellbreaker”) to center my spirit.  Afterwards, I took a walk to center my senses.  A sensory engagement with nature reminds me how big God is.  It clears out the dark thoughts that crowd my mind and gets my perspective right.

2012 is my year.  It’s my year for major changes, for shaking off the patterns and circumstances that made 2011 so miserable.  Making major changes doesn’t come without hard work and two of the most difficult things for me — patience and trust.  The past 2+ months have been a roller coaster of excitement and discouragement, hope and despair.  I know how easy it is when the despondency takes over to drown in it.  Hence the deliberate shift in focus, the rejuvenation of spirit, mind, and body.

I’m a little rusty–been a while since I’ve written–but…

Spiraling

Picking up speed, swishing at the base

Sucked downwards

Call the Plumber

You’re stuck

Caught on something that refuses to be washed away

Here comes the Plumber now

Pulling up you and the last shread of hope

that kept you from slipping away

That’s My Cue!

As mentioned in my last post, a short story is in the works.  Ish.  🙂  Perhaps it’s this pesky headache, perhaps it’s my overflowing cheerfulness, but I wish to abandon fiction today and simply write.  In order to keep some sort of rhyme or reason to the following writing, however, I am going to write in response to prompts that have been piling up in my “Writing” folder.  I encourage you to write your own responses to the prompts!

1)  What are you looking forward to this year?

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but surprises.  I generally dislike surprises, but the theme of 2011 is “change!” exclamation point and all.  So many amazing things happening in the lives of those around me, and even in my own life.  I can’t wait to see how it will all develop as well as what else will transpire!

2)  How do you define the word “friend?”

Friendship is for mutual benefit of two people but without keeping score.  Friends are there in the bad times as well as the good.  A friend brings fun, challenge, support, and a new perspective.

3)  What is your favorite sound?

Wind, I think.  Maybe followed by the sound of my car revving.  🙂  I love wind; it’s my favorite.  It could be sunny or overcast, I don’t much care, just as long as there’s wind (and my hair won’t get messed up)!  There’s something so cleansing about it, as if when it whips around me it’s also whipping through me, sweeping out doubts and fears and soothing any hurts.

4)  What is your life motto?

Uh…probably just “discipline.”  At least, that’s what it’s always been.  “Just do it” is usually how I roll, but I’ve been trying to break that “bite the bullet” mentality and think along the lines of “relax, enjoy, and walk in grace!”

5)  If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

If there was a way I could roll reading, writing (think book editor or critic), the CIA, and positively impacting people through clothing (consulting, teaching) into one career, that would be my dream job.  I’d say princess in some grand castle, but I imagine I would get very bored after a while.  🙂

6)  List 5 of your worst vices

a) Reacting instead of responding  b) Jumping to conclusions c)  Eating too much sugar  d) Ignoring my phone  e) Pretending I don’t see people, even people I really like.  Yeah, I don’t get it either…

7)  What’s your favorite word and why?

It used to be “predilection” because I liked the sound of it in conjunction with its meaning (preference).  As for my favorite now, can I just say any words that Shakespeare strung together?  There are waaaay too many words in the English language I love!

8)  List 10 things that make you happy

a)  Reading  b) Laughter.  Humor is EVERYTHING.  c)  Music, perpetually playing  d)  Nicknames  e)  Banter  f)  Male friends because I’m constantly surrounded by estrogen  g)  Bumble, my bee Pillow Pet  h)  Randomness  i)  Freshly vacuumed carpet  j)  Sugar

9)  What would you say to your 16-year-old self and why?

Life won’t always go the way you think it should, but you’ll soon realize it’s for the best.  And all those things you hate about yourself now?  Some will go on to be your greatest assets and strengths.

10)  The zombie apocalypse has arrived.  What do you do?

Gather food, water, a Glock, and run for the hills.  Or maybe keel over from a heart attack.  If I’m feeling brave, infiltrate their ranks by pretending to be one of them, discover their weakness, then send them all to kingdom-come.

11)  What’s guaranteed to make you roll your eyes?

Egos.  Arrogance is the biggest turn-off.

12)  Write a poem using only words that start with “s”

Sweetly sing seven swans

Silky songs serenading simpletons,

Sloths stealing strivers’ solitude

Hey, Good Looking…

After what seems ages (yes, it’s a hyperbole…roll with me), I am returning this week to fictional writing.  The hinges are a little rusty; my prose is creaking.

Meh.  I do not find this concerning in the least.  It’s to be expected after a creative hiatus.  I need to remind myself of that for other things in life, like when I attempted to revisit hula hooping after many years had passed and with a much smaller hoop.  I was quite confident I could immediately whip tricks like I did in elementary school.  That didn’t go over so well.  The hula hoop now likes my ankles better than my waist.

But I digress.  I started a new process last year of writing at least a little every day.  That included entering more contests and posting on this humble blog.  All was going swimmingly up until the holiday season, when the process blinked in and out before extinguishing all together.

Other, more pressing matters pushed to the front of the line; whole areas of my life were shaking and shifting like the earth’s plates during a quake.  My brain power was being funneled into a new venture, so with the pang of separation, I shelved writing for a spell.

But now I’m back, tentatively.  I say “tentatively” only because I am on the cusp of a frenzy of activity which may once again shelve writing.  I want very much to continue writing, to keep the creative juices flowing, but I know that soon they may be stopped up to allow for other pursuits.

Yet, “soon” is not “now,” and “now” I can definitely write!  Hopefully I will be posting a short story soon, but even if a finished, polished story is not birthed, I am content to simply be exploring the world again via creative writing.

The poetry will continue, and I will leave you with the following:

This week’s prompt is to write a “one of these days” poem:

What’s Cooking?

 

Stories left undone

Novel plots partially cooked, congealing on the stove

Half-baked dreams turning stale

Characters losing their flavor, clumping together,

a bland mess

One of these days

I’ll head back to the kitchen

Turn on the faucet, heat the oven

Break up the clods, smooth out the gelatinous glob

I’ll place a new pot on the stove top

Stir in fresh ingredients

Spicy actions

Complex herbs for character

A healthy dose of protein for plot

They’ll simmer together, flavors and components marrying

The perfect concoction

One of these days

A Little Nonsense Now and Then…

I have so many thoughts fighting for expression that I’m almost afraid to write; I wouldn’t want to be responsible for a full-on brawl.

But write I must.  Life has been full these first weeks of 2011, so most writing has taken place only in my head.  I feel I am quickly running out of RAM, though, and must impart some of these mental writings to paper.

The last 3 weeks have been remarkable, not so much in the natural, but internally.  Today is a prime example.  I woke a bit tired, but in a fine mood.  But my mind was occupied on the walk into work, and when I arrived I discovered my co-worker was not coming in to work today, so I was to hold down the fort one more day, news that left me bummed and headache-y.  Thus saddened and sore, I was given a choice.  Here was the moment of truth.  Do I choose joy despite the doldrums, or do I give in to my feelings?  I chose joy…and honesty, because without honesty, the joy is shallow.  I told God, “I’m kind of sad right now and don’t entirely know why.  But I’m going to find the good in today anyway and believe that nothing has changed in Your feelings and plans for me.”  A simple confession and a simple faith.  He will take care of the rest.

This year has also come with restlessness.  Not of the bad sort, quite the contrary.  It’s a desire for renewal, for something fresh.  Some new clothes, new music, new hair color, and new vigor.  Along the same vein, I have a new desire to be more expressive and accepting of who I am.  I hold back a great deal, a tremendous deal if I am to be entirely honest.  Who I am around people is but a shadow of who I am at home.  I have many thoughts, observations, and strong opinions, but I keep them close to the chest.  I am terrified of hurting people, so I present mostly polished, neutral, or affirmative comments.  If I disagree with you or if you outright offend me, I keep smiling and say nothing.

I want to change this, but not to the opposite extreme.  If you are my friend, I love you and care about you, and will not intentionally harm you.  But part of loving you may mean that I have to tell you when you cross a line.  Additionally, if we are to be friends, it’s only fair that I trust you with who I am–the good, the bad, and the ugly–just as you trust me with yourself.

So, a little practice.  Cell phones.  The lack of etiquette and courtesy therewith associated.  It is only out of my love for you, dear friend, and respect for private property that I have not taken your phone from you and smashed it into a million pieces.  These devices have made people incredibly rude, so glued to the screen that they ignore the people right in front of them.  Please, for the love of all that is holy, put the darn thing away when you are having a face-to-face conversation with someone.  Nothing says “you aren’t worth my time” more than conversing with a screen instead of the person next to you.

And one more:  grow a pair.  I feel there is much intimidation from strong women, and many men have cowered before their strength.  Why?  We are different and our strength is different.  A woman’s strength does not negate a man’s and vice versa.  But sadly, I feel I have–excuse the language–more balls than many of the men I know.  I’m not losing mine, so grow your own.

Wow.  That was really hard, but really honest.

And lastly (have no fear…the tough love is over), I am a happy woman, happy because I am learning to find my security in that which is immutable — God and His love for me.  When doubts or fear over the future creep in, the Holy Spirit is quick to bring scriptures to my remembrance.  Even for something as seemingly trivial as physical fatigue, I can claim God’s promise:  “He will renew my strength” (Isaiah 40:31). 

A few weeks ago, too, I had the most profound revelation dropped into my mind.  It simply said, “You are not smart enough to rely on your own thoughts or experiences.”  It was not an insult, but simply a wake-up call to show me that I had been putting my faith in my limited experience of the world instead of the words and promises of the one I claim to be my Savior–the one Who created the world.  Wow.  Ever since then, it has been much easier to claim that while I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel, or how something can be possible, He knows much better than I do and has it all under control.  It’s difficult to be forlorn with such a hope as that!

Well, some of my thoughts have fought the good fight and made their presence known in this post.  I ran out of time for creative writing–another series of thought pushing and shoving for prominence–but all in good time.  For now, I am content with the freed mental space.  Those creative thoughts can bounce around for a while.