I woke up this morning writing in my head. I know what you’re going to say: “Uh, don’t you mean you woke up this morning thinking?” Nope. I most definitely mean writing. I knew before my head even left the pillow that I would be writing this post today.
Seismic shifts have been taking place in my life. One decision changed the course of everything. I find myself slowly, tentatively hoping for specific things in the future, new hopes and dreams as well as ones I let die a long time ago. It takes healing and trust to believe for good things in my future. I have a way to go, but have already been excited about the distance I’ve come.
I am impatient by nature. When I see a problem, I want to fix it. Now. Healing doesn’t play by those rules; it’s a process.
Yesterday the healing that is getting me to a place of dreaming again was just taking too long. One incident threatened to destroy a major dream I have been hoping for, and it seemed it was because I am “damaged goods.” I chastised myself for thinking such a blessing could happen for someone as broken as me.
The image that came to mind was of starvation. When I was younger and had dreams, I was starving for love, acceptance, attention, and purpose. Over time, I didn’t or couldn’t receive the nutrients I needed so I eventually lay down and died. No rescue was coming. Then, just a few weeks ago, I was revived. I started to eat again, felt my strength coming back. But yesterday the plate was yanked away from me (so it felt), and not only was I forced to go hungry, but I had to watch everyone around me feast.
This was a lie, a clever and deceptive lie that preyed on my emotions. [As a sidenote, I think we as Christians have the wrong idea about emotions–we think they’re “bad” or to be ignored. Jesus experienced emotions. He wept over Israel, He wept when Lazarus died. We’re even told that He was moved with compassion when viewing the people. Emotions are from God, but like anything else, the enemy can use them against us. But I digress.]
Praise God that He showed me the lie! I took my hurt to Him and then reminded myself of what He says about me and my future. He has plans for me, good plans. His dreams for me are bigger than my own. He doesn’t want 2nd best for me. This morning, too, as I spent time with Him, He reminded me of Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”
“Lean not on your own understanding”…God gently showed me a few months ago that I arrogantly think I know how everything’s going to go. “God, this can’t happen because of x, y, and z” or “It’s hopeless. It’s been like this for decades, it will never change.” If I was God, I would have smacked someone like me upside the head and said, “Who died and made you Me?” 🙂 It is a great comfort to know that the One who knows the beginning from the end is in control and He’ll make sure I take the right paths.
He has given you and me specific gifts, strengths, quirks, friends, spheres of influence…He has brought us to this place for “such a time as this.” We’re not mistakes, we’re not forgotten, and we’re not beyond His healing capacity.