“Ohhhhh, yeah, in a big way.” One of my favorite lines from the movie, Big Fat Liar, as quipped by Amanda Bynes. It also aptly answers this question: Major learning weekend, huh? Ohhhh, yeah, in a big way.
This past weekend was scheduled to be chock-full of fun. The actual events planned were indeed fun, yet somehow I found myself less than happy. Sunday I could easily attribute the doldrums to a splitting headache and a failure to sleep the night before, but what of the rest? Why did I find myself tearing up and the corners of my mouth pulling down despondently? Not to mention outright anger, positively fuming at every human being on the planet. Fortunately, both by the grace of God and a habit I’ve developed of looking for the good in everything, I was able to spot lies that sprout in anger or hurt and combat them with the truth. I repeatedly reminded myself that my circumstances are not the end-all, be-all, and that I still have a choice as to my attitude.
Looking back, I can spot some of the reasons for the disappointing weekend, but some are still a mystery to me. Some of these known “triggers” I’m still processing, contemplating how they should be handled. Perhaps the largest result of the weekend, though, is that I’m now re-thinking my life. Some major areas are on hold, waiting for direction and confirmation. I am fine with that, just biding my time. What this weekend has me contemplating are other areas of my life, chiefly relationships. I’m asking myself questions like, “Why am I friends with this person? I don’t think they really even know me” and “I’ve always felt used and taken for granted…how can I express both to myself and others that I am of value and have needs, too, without being offensive or selfish?” And, perhaps most critically, “Can I do this? Can I be in relationship with others or am I really as hopeless as I feel?”
Heavy hitters! I would like most of all to say, “Screw it. I’m moving to a forest; have a nice life.” I even prayed about it! God’s answer wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for, but it did make me feel better. He simply said, in no uncertain terms, that relationships are the most important thing and that we were created for relationship. Sigh. 🙂 But wait, there’s more! Why this made me feel better is because if God mandated relationships, then that means He can help me with them. He wouldn’t tell me to do something I couldn’t possibly accomplish. There’s hope yet. 🙂
Yet another thing I learned this weekend: Bitterness is when hurt and anger fester for a long time. Huh. That’s a really great motivator to process through anger/hurt right when it happens! The last thing I want to be said of me is that I’m “bitter.”