I have so many thoughts fighting for expression that I’m almost afraid to write; I wouldn’t want to be responsible for a full-on brawl.
But write I must. Life has been full these first weeks of 2011, so most writing has taken place only in my head. I feel I am quickly running out of RAM, though, and must impart some of these mental writings to paper.
The last 3 weeks have been remarkable, not so much in the natural, but internally. Today is a prime example. I woke a bit tired, but in a fine mood. But my mind was occupied on the walk into work, and when I arrived I discovered my co-worker was not coming in to work today, so I was to hold down the fort one more day, news that left me bummed and headache-y. Thus saddened and sore, I was given a choice. Here was the moment of truth. Do I choose joy despite the doldrums, or do I give in to my feelings? I chose joy…and honesty, because without honesty, the joy is shallow. I told God, “I’m kind of sad right now and don’t entirely know why. But I’m going to find the good in today anyway and believe that nothing has changed in Your feelings and plans for me.” A simple confession and a simple faith. He will take care of the rest.
This year has also come with restlessness. Not of the bad sort, quite the contrary. It’s a desire for renewal, for something fresh. Some new clothes, new music, new hair color, and new vigor. Along the same vein, I have a new desire to be more expressive and accepting of who I am. I hold back a great deal, a tremendous deal if I am to be entirely honest. Who I am around people is but a shadow of who I am at home. I have many thoughts, observations, and strong opinions, but I keep them close to the chest. I am terrified of hurting people, so I present mostly polished, neutral, or affirmative comments. If I disagree with you or if you outright offend me, I keep smiling and say nothing.
I want to change this, but not to the opposite extreme. If you are my friend, I love you and care about you, and will not intentionally harm you. But part of loving you may mean that I have to tell you when you cross a line. Additionally, if we are to be friends, it’s only fair that I trust you with who I am–the good, the bad, and the ugly–just as you trust me with yourself.
So, a little practice. Cell phones. The lack of etiquette and courtesy therewith associated. It is only out of my love for you, dear friend, and respect for private property that I have not taken your phone from you and smashed it into a million pieces. These devices have made people incredibly rude, so glued to the screen that they ignore the people right in front of them. Please, for the love of all that is holy, put the darn thing away when you are having a face-to-face conversation with someone. Nothing says “you aren’t worth my time” more than conversing with a screen instead of the person next to you.
And one more: grow a pair. I feel there is much intimidation from strong women, and many men have cowered before their strength. Why? We are different and our strength is different. A woman’s strength does not negate a man’s and vice versa. But sadly, I feel I have–excuse the language–more balls than many of the men I know. I’m not losing mine, so grow your own.
Wow. That was really hard, but really honest.
And lastly (have no fear…the tough love is over), I am a happy woman, happy because I am learning to find my security in that which is immutable — God and His love for me. When doubts or fear over the future creep in, the Holy Spirit is quick to bring scriptures to my remembrance. Even for something as seemingly trivial as physical fatigue, I can claim God’s promise: “He will renew my strength” (Isaiah 40:31).
A few weeks ago, too, I had the most profound revelation dropped into my mind. It simply said, “You are not smart enough to rely on your own thoughts or experiences.” It was not an insult, but simply a wake-up call to show me that I had been putting my faith in my limited experience of the world instead of the words and promises of the one I claim to be my Savior–the one Who created the world. Wow. Ever since then, it has been much easier to claim that while I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel, or how something can be possible, He knows much better than I do and has it all under control. It’s difficult to be forlorn with such a hope as that!
Well, some of my thoughts have fought the good fight and made their presence known in this post. I ran out of time for creative writing–another series of thought pushing and shoving for prominence–but all in good time. For now, I am content with the freed mental space. Those creative thoughts can bounce around for a while.