An Appeal On Behalf of the Minority

To the ladies and gentlemen of the public access customer funded laundry board:

Good day.  As I am well aware your coin operated apparatus prowess is highly sought after–and thereby comprising large amounts of your time–I shall keep my petition brief.

I come before you without accusation, seeking only to join my humble efforts to those desiring to make the world a more peaceful and accepting environment.  My plea is simple and as follows:  I beseech you with the utmost respect to broaden the category of acceptable coinage for laundering equipment. 

For too long, quarters have dominated, monopolized, and all but pulverized the coin market.  Nickels, dimes, and principally pennies are rendered homeless or worse–banished to an ill-cared for orphanage, also known as a water jug or fountain.  I thoroughly understand the appeal of the quarters, how their slim sides slip smoothly through the palm, how their large surfaces wink brilliantly in the sunlight, the satisfying way they plunk and clink as they contact the other coins…

Yes, my esteemed friends, I too was a quarter-lover, drunk on its mesmerizing qualities.  In my childhood, the quarter was the representation of all that was rich and good in the world.  The coin could purchase a handful of M&M’s, a sparkling plastic ring, a sticky hand.  The weight of it in my hand soothed me with its promise of purchasing power. 

Yet in my maturity I have reformed.  I have put away the unhealthy bias that has left “lesser” coins out in the cold.  I see now the beauty of the little silver dime, its charming bashfulness as it hides behind the pennies in my wallet.  The nickel’s weight and thickness denotes strength and commands attention.  And the penny–so social and communal.  The way they stick together through thick and thin is a beautiful lesson to us all in healthy community living.

A diverse community reflects our personal variety of characteristics and interests.  Would Baskin-Robbins be what they are today if they offered only one flavor instead of thirty-one?  I think not.  We need and crave variety. Our closets, our pantries, our entertainment collection and so forth all abound with an assortment to fit our range of tastes.  So, too, should the coin-operated laundry facilities open wide their arms to coins of every size, thickness, and color.  Diversity will prevail — embrace it.

I thank you for your consideration and time. 

Yours sincerely,

A.N. Bees, Esquire

4 thoughts on “An Appeal On Behalf of the Minority

  1. love it. Love it love it love it!! So funny!

    Although I personally am in favor of getting rid of pennies and making the nickel our smallest coin. Because honestly: you can’t buy anything with a dime anymore, much less a nickel or a penny. They are essentially worthless. (No offense to penny-lovers out there, which you yourself may be for all I know!)

  2. Haha, thank you! Here’s a little insight into how a writer’s mind works (or at least mine): I got the idea last Monday when purchasing a Diet Coke from the vending machine before walking home from work. I was finagling the machine so as to get quarters back for laundering purposes. This naturally lead me to lament the strict quarters-only policy. I thought briefly about how I used to love quarters, too, and then the phrase “but in my maturity I have reformed” popped into my head. From there the petition was born. I was grinning the entire way home, eager to pen it!

    Anyways, I do find pennies annoying in that no one wants them, but found whilst writing the petition that I do think they’re kind of cute and valuable. 🙂

    1. Dimes are cuter, and also generally shinier. And indisputably more valuable.

      PS–I think you should enter this into a writing contest, if and when a suitable opportunity arises.

  3. Hm…agreed. I like dimes very much, and ten is such a nice number. 🙂

    P.S. Thank you, dearie! I think I shall…

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