Mrs. Emily Pollifax, a brain child of Dorothy Gilman, is a 60-something CIA agent with a proficiency for karate and a penchant for absurd hats.  She has absolutely nothing to do with this entry other than that the name of one of her adventures, Mrs. Pollifax and the Whirling Dervish, aptly describes my current mental state.

I admittedly wish I could pull a Rip Van Winkle for a few days in the feeble hope that the time away from thought-requisite activities would render clarity.  Unfortunately, my brain won’t shut off and there’s this whole work thing which requires my presence.  Hm. 

While life is at the moment confusing and thereby irritating, revelations are a beneficial biproduct.  I discovered (eureka!), for example, that my life perspective is event-oriented.  This discovery was brought to me by marriage, the great joiner of our lives.  I realized that I am trying to delay the union as long as possible…but why?  Answer:  the romance and giddyness that leads up to marriage is where it’s at.  Your actual wedding day is the peak, and from there it’s all downhill.  Then you grow to take your spouse for granted and speak to them as to a bitter enemy.  Woohoo!  Not exactly my cup of tea.  No doubt this is cynical and wrong, but these thoughts are based on observations of some real relationships.  If allowed to progress, I find myself thinking that the day I marry I might as well flop over and die because that’s as good as it’s going to get.

Event focus also (partly) explains my constant need for to-do lists and action.  If a moment isn’t filled with something, it is wasted, gone, never to return.  Life = things accomplished. 

So, I put off certain milestones–moving, relationships, whatever–because these are the top of the hill, the best it will ever be.  Shocking when you think of the ramifications on the way I conduct my life, and naturally explains why I am not content with day-to-day living.

I am not sure how to implement this revelation.  Yet, I am excited because identifying the problem is half the battle.  I really believe that God has been working and working me like kneading a hunk of dough to get me to this place.  In the past week, He has not only shown me this point of view I harbor, but also the realstatus of my relationship with Him.  I had to be brutually honest and admit that I do not believe He has good plans for me, that I am afraid to fully give Him my life.  I believe He has good plans through me, but if I surrender my days, dreams, talents, and will to Him, my life will be a living hell.  Ever since this revelation of my realbeliefs, God has been pointing out to me in His word how that is bad theology.  He desires wonderful things for me, and only awaits my surrender to Him!  All this time I have been held back from my destiny because of this single, root cause–mindblowing.  Fascinating how after struggling for years a problem can be eradicated with one moment of honest confession.  I am not entirely sure of the next step, but I am just excited to know that I am on the road to recovery!

(Blast internet drafts…I lost my original last paragraphs, and had to reconstruct from memory.  😦  It doesn’t have quite the same punch as the original, but hopefully my point still comes across.)

2 thoughts on “Deep

  1. I have to disagree with you. Marriage has been the best decision in my life. We have a great relationship and friendship and I cannot imagine it going down-hill. It is work, but it’s worth everything. I hope that you will soon find yourself in a relationship with someone who you can spend your life with. It’s God’s best work. I promise. 🙂

  2. Mallory, I love you, you’re awesome. 🙂 Actually, you and Jared as well as my parents have marriages that I view as working and desirable. I know that marriage is an awesome union created by God…it’s just that lately I’ve been afraid of it and what it looks like. Anyways, thanks for what you wrote! It means a lot.
    Btw, last night I tried the foot spa from your blog — love it! My feet still look and feel amazing!

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